


Nine teenagers and a cat, and you expected common sense

by Pixie_Weasel



Category: Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, How Do I Tag, I believe this is what's known as a crack fic, Persona 5: The Royal Spoilers, Phantom thieves being idiots, Sojiro deserves a break, Somehow, Swearing, Third Semester (Persona 5), but thats not really relevent aside from two characters being there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-13
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:26:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26993626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pixie_Weasel/pseuds/Pixie_Weasel
Summary: For the first time since it had been made the Phantom Thieves hideout, Leblanc’s attic was completely silent. Nine teenagers and one cat were all scattered around the room, each silently staring at the pile of goop in a bottle Akira had dumped on the table along with their spoils from the palace earlier. The sound of a chair scraping along the floorboards broke the silence.“I’m going to drink it.”
Comments: 11
Kudos: 67





	Nine teenagers and a cat, and you expected common sense

**Author's Note:**

> I genuinely cannot believe this thing has spoilers in it. Or well, mainly one spoiler. My love for the third semester is a blessing and a curse.

For the first time since it had been made the Phantom Thieves hideout, Leblanc’s attic was completely silent. Nine teenagers and one cat were all scattered around the room, each silently staring at the pile of goop in a bottle Akira had dumped on the table along with their spoils from the palace earlier. The sound of a chair scraping along the floorboards broke the silence.

“I’m going to drink it.” The second the words left Futaba’s mouth, it began. 

“Futaba, don’t you dare!” Makoto was the first one to react, also standing up and making sure to put herself between Futaba and the bottle.

“For the meme Makoto!”

“I said no Futaba!” 

“Who died and made you leader?” 

“Well, technically Akira.” That one was put forward by Haru, who looked completely at ease while Makoto ran across the room and flipped Futaba over her shoulder. 

“I didn’t actually die though.” He knew exactly what they were referring too, he had said if the plan went wrong Makoto got the team, but that was made void ages ago. He honestly thought everyone had forgot about it.

“I can fix that.” At Akechi’s drawl from behind Akira’s chair, Futaba seized trying to bite Makoto’s shoulder to glare at him, with Akechi just continuing to look vaguely disinterested while polishing his gun. 

“I’ll steal your kneecaps!”

“Was that directed at me, or Akechi?”

Futaba thought about that one for a second before slapping Makoto, who’d asked the question, on the back. “Yes.” She then proceeded to hiss like a cat, if whenever said cat hissed you questioned whether or not you should call an exorcist. 

The real chaos erupted from there. Futaba, having been biding her time like a bomb waiting to detonate, flung her full weight in one direction while Makoto was distracted by the hissing, causing Makoto to go flying to the floor and Futaba to be released from Makoto’s jail of body builder’s strength. From there she started cackling, and made a mad dash for the table on all fours like some kind of demented cockroach, until she collided with Ryuji’s leg, causing him to startle and fall sideways into Ann, who shoved him onto the floor where he then showed Mona the terror of being trapped as a cat pancake. Mona just about got out, but almost crushed his skull against Haru’s axe, causing the thing to fall and the end of the handle to crash into Akechi’s knee.

Akechi, who up until that point had been trying to ignore what he would call ‘the idiocy’ and just clean his gun, would later testify that the pain made him jump and his finger had just so happened to be over the trigger. Akira on the other hand, watched him line up the shot like he was at a shooting gallery to make sure he took the coffee mug Haru was using out. The shards of coffee mug fell all over Sumire, who fell over the back of the chair she was on and cracked her head off the shelves with a dull thud.

The insanity then paused just long enough to check she was still alive before they looked over to the table and found Futaba chugging the bottle of depression and bad choices. The liquid looked like if you placed human organs in a blender with the concept of death, and Futaba just chucked it down the back of her throat like that wasn’t a one way trip to seeing a god for the second time in her life. 

“Futaba!” Unfortunately, Makoto chose that moment to get herself off the floor, and tackle Futaba to the ground to stop her drinking anymore, hitting Akechi’s ankles on the way down and adding him to the pile.

“ _Piece of shit!_ ” 

“Makoto whyyyyyy?” 

Akechi, apparently having reached his limit of tolerance for general Phantom Thief antics, proceeded to punch Makoto in the face, which in turn led to Ryuji getting up to punch Akechi while Haru readied her axe.

Ann and Morgana were still trying to get Sumire up, but it seemed she was down for the count. Yusuke… honestly, Akira had no idea what Yusuke was doing. He’d retreated to the corner furthest away from the action, and was furiously scribbling on a piece of paper, so he was probably doing art things. Akechi and Ryuji were having a brawl in the middle of the room – having already sent the table flying up against the wall, where the back left leg shattered like glass leaving plastic splinters everywhere – and at this point Akira was just happy Akechi had dropped the gun when Makoto pulled him down, because the look on his face screamed carnage. Makoto was trying to get Haru to put the axe down, and Haru was inching ever closer to Akechi – slowly, but still enough to be concerning. And Akira… well, he probably was not doing his job, now that he thinks about it. 

“Joker, do something!” Up until Morgana hissed that at him, he’d just been sat there, looking upon the chaos one bottle had managed to create with an odd mixture of immense and probably misplaced pride, and a creeping sense of not at all misplaced mortal terror. But at that he decided that yes, he probably should do something, shouldn’t he?

Picking the half full bottle of depression up off the floor, Makoto only made eye contact with him for a few seconds over Haru’s head before her eyes widened with realisation. 

“Akira Kurusu, don’t you dare-“ Her voice was practically a screech by the time he started drinking and she violently cut off. He stared her dead in the eyes the whole time he tipped the rest of the bottle back, to Futaba’s cheers in the background. The whole room stopped to stare, even Akechi and Ryuji’s brawl halted for a minute. 

“And this is the fucking idiot I lost too.” After taking a break from trying to beat Ryuji over the head with a chair to insult Akira, Akechi returned to trying to bludgeon Ryuji while Ryuji himself tried to take out Akechi’s kneecaps.

The madness had no end and he had chosen to feed the fire.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Six hours later, Sojiro would walk up to the attic to see a war zone, with nine sleeping (possibly more like unconscious, he wouldn’t put it past the kids at this point) teenagers all in various piles across the room with the cat slowly dragging the weapons lying about away from the piles, and wonder what the hell was wrong with these kids.


End file.
